The Quartermaines: Behind the screen
by slapstick.genius
Summary: The early history of The Quartermaines (GH fame) finally gains a biographical treatment in this wickedly luscious, crime ridden fanfiction.
1. Dead zombie kids

Percival Quartermaine and Jolene Blum lived in a beach house by the time their eldest child was born in 1710. Her name was Trudy Quartermaine, although she died of smallpox at only four years old. Three subsequent children (Jill, Max and Jack) until Melissa's birth died in similar circumstances; Jill got smallpox and died, Max chewed so much lead that he died, and Jack died of a heart condition.

Melissa, however, was the first 'lucky child', but she only survived into adolescence and later young adulthood whereas her much younger brother, Marc, lived into his late 60s. Percival himself died at 51, whereas Jolene died at 59.

Even after Melissa died, comedic fights and bloody vendettas between family members were common in the news.


	2. Marc's childhood

Decades before; Sladdbarn Marc was born on Mid December 1730 in Rhode Island, a hundred years after Christopher Quimby's birth in North Carolina. His dad died in April 19th 1731, a week after his 51st Birthday. His mother died in August 26th 1735, a week after her 59th birthday.

Two parental deaths from various diseases! That explained how he became an orphan.

As a child, Marc was also a lonely mail carrier, being slipped by bullies and lolicons alike. But he also had a mathematical strength, which meant that he earned a lot of money later on. He had the ancestral Burns children as unlikely friends, which seemed fitting for a time.

Another fact is that he was the first ever minion of the Burns family in their original Atlantic mansion. As He grew older, slightly greedy Marc got taught by Charles O'Neal Burns and babysat his recently born last son Franklin Jefferson Burns.

By the time the Burnses became even more snobbish, Marc fled and left.


	3. Life was not good for Marc Quartermaine!

Until his Cherokee wife and four kids came along, Marc Quartermaine was the only long term Quartermaine child born entirely in America. His accent wasn't sounding like those of his parents, instead it sounded a bit Hoi Toider!

Life was shit for him before meeting long suffering, stubborn Dee, since his parents daringly fought against each other in the most maniacal way possible for a long time until they died.

The only word written by him on record is 'Oo kah huh sdee', which pretty much makes some sense, because the Cherokee language has such an eponymously unique word to describe the delight of a kitten or even the good side of it all.

The stubborn couple had four kids together until they separated. Whereas both died 4 years apart, three of their kids, except for the youngest named Thunder (it is possible that in the olden days, the youngest kid generally but didn't always survive), died in the worst conditions possible.


	4. A boy named Thunder

Thunder was born in North Carolina on mid December 1772, a week after his father turned 42. His subsequent relationships with his parents were restrained but close. After that, his parents separated and died four years apart; Marc in 1784 and Dee in 1788.

Thunder Quartermaine was biracial, half Jerriais and half Cherokee. He was pretty much a hero among his allies as well as - ironically - his mentor Franklin Burns and his best friend Cyrus Quimby, a strong fact deterring a few detractors from making colourism of him. He had siblings before him (Lonore, Jerry and Aubin), but they all died at a young age.

After his parents' deaths, Thunder left his birth house to trek through the woods for a few years until 1790. 2 years later, he met Abbie Hartman and both slowly fell in love. They married in 1794, but only for fourteen years into 1808, AS divorce was highly encouraged by the disgruntled witch doctor living next door. Thistle, Mindy and Emma were born during that time.

Thistle, born in 1795, lived a short and highly uncomfortable life; thereafter she died of various natural causes at about six years old. Mindy, born in 1799, lived at the Ashton boarding school for decades, becoming a boarding schoolteacher herself in the process. Emma, born in 1801 and a tomboy among the girls, later became a pirate in order to join a pirate group that had long been terrorising the Caribbean for centuries.

For a couple of years, he and his bodyguard cum confidante Georgina McCartney slipped on each other in bed, resulting in the births of Cora in 1807 and Max in 1812. Although they sometimes quarrelled with each other, Cora and Max were two funny siblings. They were nineteen and fourteen when they moved out of the house.

By the time Thunder dumped Georgina, he had a pretty young mistress named Jess Johnson, who bore him his last child, Edgar Quartermaine, in mid June 1826. He died in mid April 1833, aged 60.


	5. Mindy Quartermaine, schoolteacher

Mindy wasn't everybody's perception of a rich school girl, she was born into crime-filled wealth and scandal. She had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, what a pretty sturdy moderate sociopath of a woman.

As a moderate sociopath, anger pretty much didn't affect her life, even though she did disregard for much of her classmates or even the majority of her students. But she was also inventive, because - although ruthless at times - she didn't spank the various boarding school students as much as most other teachers that she met in her boarding school.

After that, she left the boarding school with considerable ease and lived single for about a decade before meeting a Jewish Yiddish accountant named Johann Schlemiel Krabappel in 1829. They reluctantly married in 1831 and lived in dull obscurity until they both died at a resting home in 1878.

Both birthed five children; Marcus in 1831, Nikolas Johann in 1835, Samuel in 1840 (adopted out by Isbell and Ack Ferguson), and the twins Benka and Besselyn in 1848.


	6. Emma and the Hibberts

As a child, Emma was taught maths by her rebellious mother Abbie. She had an unusual form of dyslexia, which meant that she had to space out lots of the words in her writing for decades!

She had many jobs before becoming a pirate; be her a nurse, a mannequin, or even a butcher. To her, her parents were DYSFUNCTIONAL!

Since familial dysfunction was a part of her early life, Emma was destined to become a pirate in order to escape the dysfunction. She sailed through the American east coast, trekking through the Everglades and the bayou before meeting the love of her life, a pirate!

The pirate's name was James Farthing, who felt that she was attractive to him. After years of thinking and squabbling, they slowly fell in love and get married. Together, they raided slave plantations to the luck and enjoyment of many slaves.

Later on, they lived for a couple of decades in bloody damn Louisiana, where their two lucky sons Oswald and Derek were born in 1832 and 1836. The biggest irony is that they bought slaves (here come the Hibberts!) in order for them to be freed. Four of them, all ancestral Hibberts, became their neighbours.

A few years both before and after the Civil war of America, James lived up to 61 years in 1858 and Emma died at 70 in 1871.


	7. Cora the Fashionista

As a toddler, Cora Quartermaine was pretty typical of wealthy kids. As she grew older however, her hair darkened into a copper colour while her eyes remained green. At the same time, she spoke a bit Midwestern!

Her favourite day ever was being in a high school prom with a big amount of luscious boyfriends to contend with. Later on, she was admired by best friend Chastity Temperance Burns.

She was the first to exhibit the extravagant fashion more typical of subsequent Quartermaines, but her favourite clothing was a granny dress.

As she became an adult, Cora Quartermaine left the house. She had to find work! At the same time, she met a handsome man named Melvin Mersin. To her, he was both the rival and the boyfriend, so they bickered and then slowly fell in love. They got married in 1832 and birthed three sons, Kenneth (born 1836), Alec (born 1839) and Junior (born 1843).

However, they separated in the American civil war. Melvin died in the war fighting against the most severe of confederates, while widowed Cora lived up to 70 in 1877.


	8. The Clever Max

As a toddler, Max was a nitwit! He also made a lot of messes in the kitchen. As he grew older, he became more like his mother than his father. A playful child, he nonetheless was bullied at times by little Oswald (born 1816) and big Alexander (born 1810), the Hardy brothers, who slowly redeemed themselves to become his friends.

Even the younger hardy brothers Jacob (born 1820) and Mack (born 1822) enjoyed the escapades! As he moved out of the house, he came to Washington DC to work at the newspaper agency. As he worked harder, he became a member of the Burns family's minion brigade consisting of six members.

After becoming such a minion brigade member, Max Quartermaine met fellow brigadier Molly Maelstrom, the only female in the group. Their love caused some tension, and led to their boring and brief marriage in 1844. They divorced a year later, but still remained friends.

Meanwhile, Max met Thelma Heslop in 1846 and married her in 1849 after three years of knowing each other. Theirs was a colourful one, full of mostly minor scandals, leading to the births of their four children, three single girls and an entrepreneurial youngest child - a boy. Thelma also had a single miscarriage, but luckily, that was averted later on.

The surviving children were; Teagan (born 1852, single for much of her life), Amalberga (born 1854, married Denny Chatwin), Tileke (born in 1858, married Samuel Hardy, son of Mack Hardy and Jools van Byl) and Alke (born in 1866, married Hazel Strong).

Thelma died fighting for the suffragettes in a disastrous protest in 1889, while Max died at home earlier than that, in 1882.


End file.
